someone

someone told me not close to him

how he recognize that?

how he notice that?

and how he command me not to meet him anymore?

i’m sick

the more they do that, i may want him more

dang..

i’m so fool now

i don’t know how i can do

the pain is starting

when people love someone, they know that there will be alot of emotional waste.

but we still do that every moment. we are made to love somebody.

as i said before, i’m a person who falls in love really easily.

maybe i’m a real loveholic.

thesedays, i stop to date and i fall in love again.

not date, but love someone is really crazy and painful thing.

i asked to myself, why i have to stop to date?

actually i promised with someone that i would not date for a year.

damn… but you are too weak to handle that…

i know i’m too weak to be independent person.

Or i made myself to be a weak person

whatever, i really don’t want to be a friend with him

that night when he hugged me.. my heart leaped up

and now i’m worried about missing him. because i will not date with him firmly.

i will discipline me not to date, not to be hurt.

now i’m struggle because of that. and now i’m already hurt because of that..

sometimes i want to be an old woman.

Une Vie Francaise

Jean-Paul Dubois

He is a famous french writer.

I love reading his books. And I think his books gave me more than little influence as 吉田修一

First time i read this ‘Une Vie Francaise’.

it was good and make me dream living like him. His social thoughts and atitude to live life is so simple and complicated.

but when he confront virtueless things( as his notion), he don’t hesitate, just don’t do that work.

Eventheless his attitude that never compromise the world, he lives well and wealthy.

In other aspect, he might follow like that human’s common life that the opposite to his thinking.

after i like this book, i start reading his most published books. most of that are same pattern and similar hero who lives not to follow the flow of social.

And another book of his ‘Kennedy & Me’ (i don’t know exact name) is also good.

Using President Kennedy’s watch, he pitch us not usual imagination.

In this book, my favorite part is his taken for granted thinking to have that watch.

Because he is getting know that the watch will be his. and that is nature’s flow.

I might agree with him or not. But i also think all of the happenings have the reasons.

  

Get rid of

I heard about getting rid of someone. and it would take time as much as being together.

Several days ago, I took off someone from me.

I thought that would make me feel slight, and make things easy.

But it made me more complicated and have a heavy.

I’m capricious. I know beacause i heard like this all the time.

I change and change and change….. So i’m afraid to saying something. because that can be change.

But not this time, not this moment.. I don’t want to change my mind

I just feel sorry and hollow. But i don’t regret about that.

That was really needed thing to me. Being alone on the vast plain and standing by myself.

Maybe until the limited time, i will remember and sing a song about that times.

I will sit and only move my toes. And I will think again and again until the time comes.

I bless someone’s life. And I know it would be…. 

 

 

Take the sun

One of my favorite thing is Taking the sun.

We can call this as a sunbathing or a tanning( i think it is a little different)

Anyway, I really love enjoying sun’s warmth.

Under the sunshine, because my eyes are dazzled

I feel sleepy. And at that time i usually don’t think anything. That is to say i can’t think anything.

Just sitting on the bench, and looking the flow of the present.

Then i can feel i might be a part of sunshine.

When i was child I’m a girl who had really dark face.

So still now I’m not so happy about my dark skin. 

But eventheless i regret about this every summer, i can’t avoid the sun’s temptation.

It is like calling me out side to play together.

then i feel some duty to hang out with the sun.

 

Thinking about me

Taking time to think about me is useful.

These days i have been thinking about me constantly.

When i walk or swim or look into the mirror i asked my self, What kind of life do you want to live?

Maybe i missed my fast when i could talked about my dream proudly.

And I know i still have a lot of time to die.

Until die I can’t waste my time.  i have to confront my weakness and reality.

Moreover for me.

even though i have spent not little time, i am still asking me.

But that was not just useless. because i can get some obvious plan for my future.

And I will make that  

  

Strain oneself

When i catch that my condition is not good, i feel nervous.

that makes me can’t concentrate on anything.

And need huge amount of caffein…

caffein… i drunk already two big cups of coffee.

Until my stomach refuse more drinking and feel nausea.

Sometimes i really wonder whether i’m sadistic.

In the past, I had some fever to hike mountains.

I really liked the hardness of mountain. When i go upward, my legs were almost paralyzed by pain.

And I loved those sensation.

When I am occurred some bad situation or get a bad symptom of body, I look at the past  for seeking my fault.

Finally I made a connection between two, and felt that i got a punishment.

It is a ridiculous and foolish thing. but also It’s a habit with me.

Maybe this comes from a religious tradition, and leads me keep a line.

But those feelings also occurred to irritate nerves.

So i still strain me.

Pretending

Pretending.

From some period, i realized that i am a pretending person.

i usually pretend to be strong, be cool, and be nice.

I also can say i want to be like that. but usually i pretend.

but as i think more and more, i can’t find out the limit between my real own and pretending.

that is already one part of me.

When i don’t want to hear something, i just hear and nod my head. no smile just nodding.

For pretending, i think i need a lot of patience.

Today morning after waking up, i really needed to pretend.

Do i have to feel guilty about that?

i don’t know. maybe i already enjoy my pretending..

Loveholic

I like this word.

Actually this is not a correct english, just band’s name in Korea.

but I think it really makes sense. we can be addicted to love.

Usually people want to be cared, and taken intention from the others.

Without love, we have no momentum to work out.

Particulary, young people are pursueing love constantly( actually except this there is no serious thing in their life)

Even they already have someone or have got great affection from them, still they are seeking for person who fall in love.

And honestly, i’m a loveholic too.

i can’t bare be alone, I hope someone besides me all the time.

But be an alcoholic or chocoholic, is that better to be a loveholic?

Loveholic holic… i really like this word as i want to hold on.

On the Easter

Today is Easter.

i talked with my parents and brother in the morning, and went to church.

i ate an easter egg as usually, and i will go dinner to a next door soon.

Um…but until now i have seen my past and friends pictures on the internet

i smiled at those photoes. i think it is stupid to eager something that i can’t get now.

I have to enjoy in here’s life. Because when i go back to Korea, i will miss all of here’s again.

Actually, i’m in agony about until when i will stay in here.

Do i have to study in here?

I demand to myself constantly. ‘Do you want to study now? ‘

frankly, i don’t know. maybe not

When i was at university, i already felt sick about studying something.

And i think i hate to study originally.(actually everybody would be..)

If i become a graduated student, can i stand this?

For my parents or for my future, staying and studying in America might be better.

But can’t i just remain like this me?

sometimes i really feel i don’t want to do anything, and prefer nothingness above all others

Hollow easter, but full of wordly thoughts.